The opposite of fear is data
Oct. 4th, 2025 10:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressGonna have to do the bullshit thing where I write down the things that I did today, because my shitbrain is pretty convinced I haven't done enough and I'm not actually gonna be able to defeat it with logic and data, but I can at least try.
So here's some things I did today:
*Went to bells! First time at bells since the weekend before my surgery, I think? So that's basically two months or so. I rang some stuff, pretty badly, because, as mentioned, haven't been in an age. It was nice to see some folks, and very nice to spend time at the end on the greenway in the warm weather chatting with Kyle.
*Also I got a bagel and said hello to Leo the BagelMonger who is a friend of mine and I was happy to see still exists and extremely happy to hear is taking his partner to go see the MONSTER TRUCKS tonight, that is so dope I am very jealous.
*After bellslunch, I went to the _library_ that is in the North End, because I'd never been, but Julia very kindly checked out a book for me ages ago (for surgery, because I was like seven billionth on the list for the ebook) and I needed to return it, and also I was bold and asked the librarians if I could also get a library card and they were very much "HELL YEAH!" and now I have a third library card in my wallet to go with the NESFA and Minuteman ones.
(I like that my brain briefly forgot what the system was called, attempted to combine Minuteman and Middlesex, and had a solid ten seconds of "it can't possibly be a Middleman library card, I would've noticed")
Anyways, my BPL card has lions on it, and then I walked a circuit of the library to look at its books and stuff and I found three books to check out and when I brought them to the desk, the nice librarian who helped me before was all "oh hey this one is really good!" about one of the ones I picked, so I got an A+ in libraries, which is a thing that is possible to do and reasonable to want.
*Got on the T, rode to Porter Square, went to Bicycle Belle, picked up my Xtracycle, now with bonus brakes on both the back *and* front wheels. Talked to the folks. Was admired by a random patron directly outside the bike store. I am kinda psyched for this nonsense, and extremely aaah but excited that I will get to take it on an ADVENTURE next weekend.
*Biked home and did nothing productive but did finish the back half of Late Eclipses. Yes, I am _extremely_ overdue for a booklog post. This is partly because I read fuckall this summer, which I feel bad about, and especially because I have been pissshit poor at actually keeping up with my booklog, which I also feel bad about. It's probably stupid to feel bad about the things that are not actual obligations and just stuff I do for myself _but also_ I'm the one I have to live with, so *shrug*.
*Eventually I took the laundry downstairs and ran two loads of it.
*I managed to clean up like...ten things total from my desk. This has not made an appreciable difference in the state of my desk, sigh.
*Tuesday is here, and I am happy for it, in between being very not-wanna about _everything_. Right now she is curled up next to me all sleepy and it's wonderful and feels really good and safe and happy. I wish my brain would shut the fuck up and let me be more happy about the world, but it's nice to at least have small joys.
*Oh yeah, I did finally do a whole bunch of fucking futureplanning, stuff needed for the four upcoming weekends of doing things (it's not quite four consecutive, I think it's two on, then a break, then two more). Ashanty/biking/camping, then MD and Rennfaire (Oct19), then nothing, then Liz and Thom's wedding, then Racheline and Patty's wedding. I was maybe gonna go to Northampton the weekend after that for a dance thing, but I think it would be extremely smart of me to _not_ do that, because jegus fuck, no, I need to be home slightly more than that.
(At some point I need to suss Thanksgiving).
*But yeah, that was like...multiple different emails and sorting tasks and stuff. I reserved a hotel room and bought train tickets and offered to share bedding with someone and aaah there are so many things. I have put a data point in my email spreadsheet tho, and putting data points into it is a good first step to actually like...interacting with the inbox0 project.
And I wrote my words, and I suppose that's a pretty good thing even if I'm just gonna go back and play more bullshit phone games in a second.
~Sor
MOOP!
So here's some things I did today:
*Went to bells! First time at bells since the weekend before my surgery, I think? So that's basically two months or so. I rang some stuff, pretty badly, because, as mentioned, haven't been in an age. It was nice to see some folks, and very nice to spend time at the end on the greenway in the warm weather chatting with Kyle.
*Also I got a bagel and said hello to Leo the BagelMonger who is a friend of mine and I was happy to see still exists and extremely happy to hear is taking his partner to go see the MONSTER TRUCKS tonight, that is so dope I am very jealous.
*After bellslunch, I went to the _library_ that is in the North End, because I'd never been, but Julia very kindly checked out a book for me ages ago (for surgery, because I was like seven billionth on the list for the ebook) and I needed to return it, and also I was bold and asked the librarians if I could also get a library card and they were very much "HELL YEAH!" and now I have a third library card in my wallet to go with the NESFA and Minuteman ones.
(I like that my brain briefly forgot what the system was called, attempted to combine Minuteman and Middlesex, and had a solid ten seconds of "it can't possibly be a Middleman library card, I would've noticed")
Anyways, my BPL card has lions on it, and then I walked a circuit of the library to look at its books and stuff and I found three books to check out and when I brought them to the desk, the nice librarian who helped me before was all "oh hey this one is really good!" about one of the ones I picked, so I got an A+ in libraries, which is a thing that is possible to do and reasonable to want.
*Got on the T, rode to Porter Square, went to Bicycle Belle, picked up my Xtracycle, now with bonus brakes on both the back *and* front wheels. Talked to the folks. Was admired by a random patron directly outside the bike store. I am kinda psyched for this nonsense, and extremely aaah but excited that I will get to take it on an ADVENTURE next weekend.
*Biked home and did nothing productive but did finish the back half of Late Eclipses. Yes, I am _extremely_ overdue for a booklog post. This is partly because I read fuckall this summer, which I feel bad about, and especially because I have been pissshit poor at actually keeping up with my booklog, which I also feel bad about. It's probably stupid to feel bad about the things that are not actual obligations and just stuff I do for myself _but also_ I'm the one I have to live with, so *shrug*.
*Eventually I took the laundry downstairs and ran two loads of it.
*I managed to clean up like...ten things total from my desk. This has not made an appreciable difference in the state of my desk, sigh.
*Tuesday is here, and I am happy for it, in between being very not-wanna about _everything_. Right now she is curled up next to me all sleepy and it's wonderful and feels really good and safe and happy. I wish my brain would shut the fuck up and let me be more happy about the world, but it's nice to at least have small joys.
*Oh yeah, I did finally do a whole bunch of fucking futureplanning, stuff needed for the four upcoming weekends of doing things (it's not quite four consecutive, I think it's two on, then a break, then two more). Ashanty/biking/camping, then MD and Rennfaire (Oct19), then nothing, then Liz and Thom's wedding, then Racheline and Patty's wedding. I was maybe gonna go to Northampton the weekend after that for a dance thing, but I think it would be extremely smart of me to _not_ do that, because jegus fuck, no, I need to be home slightly more than that.
(At some point I need to suss Thanksgiving).
*But yeah, that was like...multiple different emails and sorting tasks and stuff. I reserved a hotel room and bought train tickets and offered to share bedding with someone and aaah there are so many things. I have put a data point in my email spreadsheet tho, and putting data points into it is a good first step to actually like...interacting with the inbox0 project.
And I wrote my words, and I suppose that's a pretty good thing even if I'm just gonna go back and play more bullshit phone games in a second.
~Sor
MOOP!
Sneaky secrets in the footnotes
Oct. 2nd, 2025 05:55 amsorcyressI'm proud of myself that I have managed, every day this school year so far except two1, gotten out of bed on first alarm. No snooze, no going back, just up and doing things.
And while thinking about it this morning, I just said to myself something along these lines:
That feels important. Right up there with "half-assing is better than no-assing" or "no more zero days". It still counts. It still _gets done_.
Weather app says it was in the 40s outside when I woke up this morning. I'm gonna need to get the space heater out for my room soon, and then it's gonna run pretty much always when I'm awake and in my room, until the world gets warm enough for me to live in it again. I've had enough 5am wakeup days that I do know what it looks like to stumble down the stairs into the pitchblack.
Doing it on easy mode is still doing it.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: Two days, the two days immediately after finding out my mom has cancer. She saw her oncologist yesterday, they are tentatively hopeful that removal of the offending bits (we're gonna be hysterectobuddies!) is gonna solve the problem, not even chemo needed, it is 2025 and cancer is not a guaranteed death sentence, especially if you're rich and have access to good doctors. I haven't talked about it really yet because it's too big to look at, especially in the rest of this hell-fuck year. I don't super want to talk about it much more now, but I'm at least willing to hear responses. Woo.
And while thinking about it this morning, I just said to myself something along these lines:
Well yeah, but I've been doing it on easy mode [since the hard part of the year is the dark and endless cold].
Okay, but doing it on easy mode is still doing it.
That feels important. Right up there with "half-assing is better than no-assing" or "no more zero days". It still counts. It still _gets done_.
Weather app says it was in the 40s outside when I woke up this morning. I'm gonna need to get the space heater out for my room soon, and then it's gonna run pretty much always when I'm awake and in my room, until the world gets warm enough for me to live in it again. I've had enough 5am wakeup days that I do know what it looks like to stumble down the stairs into the pitchblack.
Doing it on easy mode is still doing it.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: Two days, the two days immediately after finding out my mom has cancer. She saw her oncologist yesterday, they are tentatively hopeful that removal of the offending bits (we're gonna be hysterectobuddies!) is gonna solve the problem, not even chemo needed, it is 2025 and cancer is not a guaranteed death sentence, especially if you're rich and have access to good doctors. I haven't talked about it really yet because it's too big to look at, especially in the rest of this hell-fuck year. I don't super want to talk about it much more now, but I'm at least willing to hear responses. Woo.
Who hasn't updated in three weeks? Eyyyy
Oct. 1st, 2025 11:51 pmsorcyressWhiiiite rabbit. Whuf.
Haven't been writing here! Work has been eating a lot of my brain, and also some ~other stuff~ has been eating a lot of my brain. At least one of those things I can't talk about here. Another I don't _want_ to talk about here. It's not been great.
Today's a little better though. Dirt beneath my nails, I crawl my way back from the forest. Work is genuinely going really well and I like it a lot, even if my work responsibilities for this year are keeping me _busy_. I'm a building rep for my union, which means another couple meetings a month. I'm on the Equity Team which *also* means another couple meetings a month. I'm mentoring a new teacher who's enrolled in a grad program that means _another_ couple meetings a month (weekly with them, I think there's been 2-3 so far with the program?). I'm teaching three inclusion classes this year, which means me and my co-teacher really need to formally have at least one meeting a week for planning purposes. (She and I get along so well that we are, uh, doing more than that which is lovely but also oh god, when do I prep?)
But other stuff today has been real good too. Equity Team made me go look up my Gender Presentation that I gave like seven times between Feb'22 and June'23, and then haven't done since. It's really good! Like actually entirely solid! I should apply to do that as a PD more often, make other teacher have to talk and think about gender some! It felt good to look back at something I'd made in the past and feel like it was an accomplishment.
I was a bit faffy during after-school-preptime, but I did manage to get all my copies done. Well, okay, the paper part is done, I technically have a date with a stapler sometime tomorrow to get the packets together (sigh). Hm, and I didn't finish making my lesson plans for tomorrow. That's fine, that just means early morning at school I guess.
I've been keeping up with the grading, which is surprising, but not in a bad way. I'm not quite done everything I want to be done with, but it's pretty close, and I feel like I've done a good job of all of it. Yay me!
Got home, immediately swapped out my clothes, and collected my Xtracycle (which needs a name, both my other bicycles have names2) and dragged it down to Bicycle Belle, to see if they could help me with the brakes issue (it doesn't have a front one). I chose to go the extra 0.25 miles because BB is open an hour later on Wednesday than Ace Wheelworks ever is, and also because they specialize in cargo bikes, so I figured it was a good match. Plus, most recent Wheelworks trip had the pendulum back on the "sneering at casuals and women" side of things. Not drastically so, but something about the shop was raising my hackles, and I am _thrilled_ to say that Bicycle Belle entirely passed that vibe check. Even when I was asking stupid questions, I did not feel like anyone thought I was stupid, and that's very pleasant.
Got home again, attempted to repair the flat on Vin and...uh. Huh. Apparently when we got the puncture-resistant tyres in 2019 (!), they are basically impossible to take off the rims, which means I'm pretty much assuming my two most recent blowouts (last November and last week) were just the rubber giving way on the tubes finally. I think the right answer is "purchase some tyres that are not puncture resistant and go back to being able to easily repair your own flats" but I am extremely annoyed that I will probably have to bring my stupid bike to a stupid bike shop just to do a repair that I can ordinarily do in my backyard in ten minutes. Unless someone wants to come be stronk for me and de-tyre the thing.
Wasn't too badly shook mood-wise, and then when chatting with SamSam about it, I alluded to the time that my bike (parked) got hit by a car and the wheel was all bent to shit. Plugging in my photo-hard-drive to try and dig up the photo (success!) left me sitting on the couch with my photo-hard-drive plugged in. I tagged about 400 more photos, which feels like good progress. Only 317 to go in the current batch, and then I have a hundred more batches!
I also paid Ezri for some rent (a lot of rent, both back and forward), and then I finally set up an account on YouNeedABudget, since I've been hearing good things about them for forever. I don't know if I've set it up correctly yet, but we'll see how it works out.
I ate dinner somewhere in there?
Now I should go to bed because it's nearly midnight, and aforementioned "you have to wake up early so you can finish your damn prep". Sigh.
GOODNIGHT!
~Sor
MOOP!
1: Just as crazy as before. But I am breathing, I am laughing, taking one step at a time.
2: My regular bike is Vin, named for the heroine of the Mistborn trilogy, because at the time it was the most recent Strong Female Character I'd read, and that is my official naming schema. My folding bike is informally called The Bromps (because it's a Brompton) but its formal name is RuthEP, pronounced Rooth-eep.
Haven't been writing here! Work has been eating a lot of my brain, and also some ~other stuff~ has been eating a lot of my brain. At least one of those things I can't talk about here. Another I don't _want_ to talk about here. It's not been great.
Today's a little better though. Dirt beneath my nails, I crawl my way back from the forest. Work is genuinely going really well and I like it a lot, even if my work responsibilities for this year are keeping me _busy_. I'm a building rep for my union, which means another couple meetings a month. I'm on the Equity Team which *also* means another couple meetings a month. I'm mentoring a new teacher who's enrolled in a grad program that means _another_ couple meetings a month (weekly with them, I think there's been 2-3 so far with the program?). I'm teaching three inclusion classes this year, which means me and my co-teacher really need to formally have at least one meeting a week for planning purposes. (She and I get along so well that we are, uh, doing more than that which is lovely but also oh god, when do I prep?)
But other stuff today has been real good too. Equity Team made me go look up my Gender Presentation that I gave like seven times between Feb'22 and June'23, and then haven't done since. It's really good! Like actually entirely solid! I should apply to do that as a PD more often, make other teacher have to talk and think about gender some! It felt good to look back at something I'd made in the past and feel like it was an accomplishment.
I was a bit faffy during after-school-preptime, but I did manage to get all my copies done. Well, okay, the paper part is done, I technically have a date with a stapler sometime tomorrow to get the packets together (sigh). Hm, and I didn't finish making my lesson plans for tomorrow. That's fine, that just means early morning at school I guess.
I've been keeping up with the grading, which is surprising, but not in a bad way. I'm not quite done everything I want to be done with, but it's pretty close, and I feel like I've done a good job of all of it. Yay me!
Got home, immediately swapped out my clothes, and collected my Xtracycle (which needs a name, both my other bicycles have names2) and dragged it down to Bicycle Belle, to see if they could help me with the brakes issue (it doesn't have a front one). I chose to go the extra 0.25 miles because BB is open an hour later on Wednesday than Ace Wheelworks ever is, and also because they specialize in cargo bikes, so I figured it was a good match. Plus, most recent Wheelworks trip had the pendulum back on the "sneering at casuals and women" side of things. Not drastically so, but something about the shop was raising my hackles, and I am _thrilled_ to say that Bicycle Belle entirely passed that vibe check. Even when I was asking stupid questions, I did not feel like anyone thought I was stupid, and that's very pleasant.
Got home again, attempted to repair the flat on Vin and...uh. Huh. Apparently when we got the puncture-resistant tyres in 2019 (!), they are basically impossible to take off the rims, which means I'm pretty much assuming my two most recent blowouts (last November and last week) were just the rubber giving way on the tubes finally. I think the right answer is "purchase some tyres that are not puncture resistant and go back to being able to easily repair your own flats" but I am extremely annoyed that I will probably have to bring my stupid bike to a stupid bike shop just to do a repair that I can ordinarily do in my backyard in ten minutes. Unless someone wants to come be stronk for me and de-tyre the thing.
Wasn't too badly shook mood-wise, and then when chatting with SamSam about it, I alluded to the time that my bike (parked) got hit by a car and the wheel was all bent to shit. Plugging in my photo-hard-drive to try and dig up the photo (success!) left me sitting on the couch with my photo-hard-drive plugged in. I tagged about 400 more photos, which feels like good progress. Only 317 to go in the current batch, and then I have a hundred more batches!
I also paid Ezri for some rent (a lot of rent, both back and forward), and then I finally set up an account on YouNeedABudget, since I've been hearing good things about them for forever. I don't know if I've set it up correctly yet, but we'll see how it works out.
I ate dinner somewhere in there?
Now I should go to bed because it's nearly midnight, and aforementioned "you have to wake up early so you can finish your damn prep". Sigh.
GOODNIGHT!
~Sor
MOOP!
1: Just as crazy as before. But I am breathing, I am laughing, taking one step at a time.
2: My regular bike is Vin, named for the heroine of the Mistborn trilogy, because at the time it was the most recent Strong Female Character I'd read, and that is my official naming schema. My folding bike is informally called The Bromps (because it's a Brompton) but its formal name is RuthEP, pronounced Rooth-eep.
Have mostly not been here and so much to write
Oct. 1st, 2025 06:32 amvvalkyriBut right now I really should at least attempt to get back to sleep. Sleeping is not happening tonight.
I just realized I had suggested finding water for tashlich back at Rosh Hashanah and Cousins and I went for a walk and did not and the time flew by and maybe I can somehow manage today.
The 10 days between the high holidays ended up so incredibly full that they've been anything other than introspective.
And I don't know when I'm going to be able to write.
. Today is going to be just as full, and I'm realizing I'm not going to have time to go home before going to synagogue tonight wherever I'll end up. I suppose I'm still technically a member of agudas. Maybe? But I certainly didn't reserve space. So I'll get together with other cousin I guess before the fast and I guess we'll go to fabrangan.
Everything is such a mess.
In the world, in the country, in my life.
I've been overly irritated in a few directions
I keep living in regrets. Relatedly, Thunderbolts was really good and I enjoyed it. Created a spoilery group on facebook.
I'm dictating because it's the phone and I can't be bothered to go look for a keyboard.
I'm afraid I've missed most of what anyone might have been saying - at this point it's mostly Facebook and signal, so very many freaking signal groups.
I was out in Cleveland for Rosh Hashanah, with both the Cleveland cousins and my Cleveland uncle and Aunt and it was pretty good if short
And I have stuff to return to free - she was nice enough to lend me a molecular covid test so I could feel less paranoid about 92-year-old uncle.
Because mobility issues we tuned into Park avenue synagogue, and it was actually really nice, five of us in the room felt more than communal enough.
Wednesday night I went to the ninja gym and then on to Pittsburgh, and stayed in Pittsburgh with Jim and visited with Charlotte and then briefly with Diane and then got home pretty late. And then the next day joined Sam for NPR tiny desk concert (am finishing InHumana from the prepublication giveaway shelf).
And then activist happy hour which was a time to interact with the folks I've been working with in person and that went pretty late and then home and then up to Ken's and then Saturday to fair and then the two of us stopped off at a burner party complete with hot tub and got home stupid stupid late and then Sunday to Acro and then back for dinner and a walk and a tripping and scraping my knee and eventually watching Thunderbolts starting at midnight
And yesterday a dentist appointment and eventually evening with Joe
And today mammography all the way out in Germantown which meant I got to see Andrian at a really dangerous French bakery, and FreeDC tabling intro on the way to Acro and Acro til 930 and then never managed to be sleepy or at least not to sleep well.
And then yom Kippur starts tonight.
I have appointments tomorrow and several different places, so no I won't be up on Capitol Hill at quarter to noon when both Maryland senators are calling for a press conference and asking feds to join
One thing I don't think is getting out very well about shutdown fight is that any continuing resolution continuing all the horrible from the BBB before. These demands are not new spending but restored spending.
Somewhat relatedly, I suppose, the pediatric brain cancer research program just ended.
Every so often I stop in thinking simply cannot believe we are in this timeline.
And I still haven't actually written a high holidays post
I suppose for placeholder, I do still attempt to be kind. I do still attempt to be good. And I probably suck at all of that, and if I've been hurtful, it's unusual for that to have been on purpose, which in fact in some ways makes it worse I do understand.
(I am currently finding one person on Facebook terribly irritating. He's a good friend of a friend, and I do not know him, and he is quite often irritating, but in that way where one knows he's not trying to be annoying, he's just succeeding)
I suppose if I were being good and kind and nice I wouldn't have volunteered to him that I was finding him irritating. I have not historically told him so.
I just realized I had suggested finding water for tashlich back at Rosh Hashanah and Cousins and I went for a walk and did not and the time flew by and maybe I can somehow manage today.
The 10 days between the high holidays ended up so incredibly full that they've been anything other than introspective.
And I don't know when I'm going to be able to write.
. Today is going to be just as full, and I'm realizing I'm not going to have time to go home before going to synagogue tonight wherever I'll end up. I suppose I'm still technically a member of agudas. Maybe? But I certainly didn't reserve space. So I'll get together with other cousin I guess before the fast and I guess we'll go to fabrangan.
Everything is such a mess.
In the world, in the country, in my life.
I've been overly irritated in a few directions
I keep living in regrets. Relatedly, Thunderbolts was really good and I enjoyed it. Created a spoilery group on facebook.
I'm dictating because it's the phone and I can't be bothered to go look for a keyboard.
I'm afraid I've missed most of what anyone might have been saying - at this point it's mostly Facebook and signal, so very many freaking signal groups.
I was out in Cleveland for Rosh Hashanah, with both the Cleveland cousins and my Cleveland uncle and Aunt and it was pretty good if short
And I have stuff to return to free - she was nice enough to lend me a molecular covid test so I could feel less paranoid about 92-year-old uncle.
Because mobility issues we tuned into Park avenue synagogue, and it was actually really nice, five of us in the room felt more than communal enough.
Wednesday night I went to the ninja gym and then on to Pittsburgh, and stayed in Pittsburgh with Jim and visited with Charlotte and then briefly with Diane and then got home pretty late. And then the next day joined Sam for NPR tiny desk concert (am finishing InHumana from the prepublication giveaway shelf).
And then activist happy hour which was a time to interact with the folks I've been working with in person and that went pretty late and then home and then up to Ken's and then Saturday to fair and then the two of us stopped off at a burner party complete with hot tub and got home stupid stupid late and then Sunday to Acro and then back for dinner and a walk and a tripping and scraping my knee and eventually watching Thunderbolts starting at midnight
And yesterday a dentist appointment and eventually evening with Joe
And today mammography all the way out in Germantown which meant I got to see Andrian at a really dangerous French bakery, and FreeDC tabling intro on the way to Acro and Acro til 930 and then never managed to be sleepy or at least not to sleep well.
And then yom Kippur starts tonight.
I have appointments tomorrow and several different places, so no I won't be up on Capitol Hill at quarter to noon when both Maryland senators are calling for a press conference and asking feds to join
One thing I don't think is getting out very well about shutdown fight is that any continuing resolution continuing all the horrible from the BBB before. These demands are not new spending but restored spending.
Somewhat relatedly, I suppose, the pediatric brain cancer research program just ended.
Every so often I stop in thinking simply cannot believe we are in this timeline.
And I still haven't actually written a high holidays post
I suppose for placeholder, I do still attempt to be kind. I do still attempt to be good. And I probably suck at all of that, and if I've been hurtful, it's unusual for that to have been on purpose, which in fact in some ways makes it worse I do understand.
(I am currently finding one person on Facebook terribly irritating. He's a good friend of a friend, and I do not know him, and he is quite often irritating, but in that way where one knows he's not trying to be annoying, he's just succeeding)
I suppose if I were being good and kind and nice I wouldn't have volunteered to him that I was finding him irritating. I have not historically told him so.
